“She’s Just As Bad As Me.”
It’s one of the most common statements I hear from men.
Sometimes it’s said with frustration.
Sometimes with genuine confusion.
Sometimes with a sense of injustice.
“She yells too.”
“She swears.”
“She pushes my buttons.”
“She’s controlling.”
“She’s just as bad as me.”
And I want to say something carefully here.
It might feel true.
But it is almost never the whole truth.
Conflict Is Not the Same as Control
In relationships, both people can behave badly.
Both people can:
- Raise their voice
- Say hurtful things
- Shut down
- Become reactive
That’s mutual conflict.
But conflict is not the same as coercive control.
Coercive control is a pattern.
It’s about power.
It’s about who shapes the emotional climate of the relationship.
It’s about who feels intimidated, monitored, diminished, or unsafe.
The question is not:
“Do we both argue?”
The question is:
“Who holds the power?”
Equality Feels Very Different to Power
In a genuinely equal relationship:
- Both people can express frustration without fear.
- Both people can disagree without retaliation.
- Both people can take space without punishment.
- Both people have social freedom.
- Both people have financial access.
- Both people feel psychologically safe.
In a relationship shaped by coercive control, it looks different.
One person adapts more.
One person walks on eggshells.
One person fears escalation.
One person manages the other’s emotions.
Often when a man says, “She’s just as bad as me,” what he’s describing is her reaction to ongoing pressure.
And reactive behaviour is not the same as controlling behaviour.
Reactive Abuse vs Primary Aggression
There’s a term that often comes up in this space: reactive abuse.
This doesn’t mean someone is innocent of poor behaviour.
It means their behaviour is emerging from prolonged stress, intimidation, or emotional harm.
Imagine someone being repeatedly criticised, monitored, dismissed, or threatened — eventually they explode.
The explosion is visible.
The months or years of erosion beforehand often aren’t.
That doesn’t make the explosion healthy.
But it does change how we understand it.
The Accountability Trap
Here’s the uncomfortable truth.
When a man says,
“She’s just as bad as me.”
Often what he is really saying is:
“If she’s flawed too, then I don’t have to fully face myself.”
This is not a character attack.
It’s a psychological defence.
Minimisation and mutualisation are common protective strategies. They reduce shame. They dilute responsibility.
But behaviour change cannot begin from diluted responsibility.
Change begins when a man says:
“Regardless of what she does, I am responsible for my behaviour.”
Full stop.
The Hard Question
Instead of asking:
- “Is she just as bad?”
Try asking:
- When she’s upset, is she afraid of me?
- Do my behaviours limit her freedom?
- Does she modify herself to avoid my reactions?
- Do I monitor, intimidate, withdraw financially, sexually or socially?
- Would an objective observer see a power imbalance?
These questions require courage.
But they are the doorway to real growth.
Growth Is Not About Winning
Men’s Behaviour Change counselling work isn’t about deciding who is worse.
It isn’t a courtroom.
It’s about:
- Understanding patterns
- Identifying entitlement
- Examining control
- Increasing emotional regulation
- Building relational equality
If both people need support, that can be true.
But one person’s poor behaviour never justifies your own.
The Shift That Changes Everything
When a man moves from:
“She’s just as bad as me.”
To:
“Even if she is struggling, I choose to be accountable for myself.”
That is the moment real change becomes possible.
Not because he is shamed.
Not because he is defeated.
But because he has stepped into adult responsibility.
And responsibility is where strength actually lives.
